Today I got to talk to my best friend and my fantastic sister-in-law on the phone! I love them both and it certainly made my day. I am missing people a lot these days, and feeling, dare-I-say-it: homesick.
I feel like most of the experiences I've had in life were designed for me to have greater empathy for people. And I can't quite seem to learn my lesson from just one formative experience. :)
Formative: having a profound and lasting influence on a person's life.
I was never very sympathetic to the girls at camp that had emotional break downs because they were "home sick" because I was always just fine. I love my family, but I was having way too much fun to even think about missing them. Same goes for moving away to college and even getting married. I suppose I've always been independent and ready to do my own thing. But here I am, we have a month left in the land of the east and I am WAY too excited to come home. I miss everything about home. Mostly people. It's pretty much the vacation that actually lasted longer than you wanted it to.
Whenever I hate how I'm feeling about life I try to itemize all the possible reasons for the way I'm feeling. Here is what I came up with: Remember, this is not intended to be a venting or complaining session, just listing all the things I have increased gratitude for and all the people to which I can be more empathetic. :)
Borrowed home.
We have a bedroom, a bathroom and a den tucked away in the corner of the house. We would use the den more, but there is no cell service or WiFi access so it's a bit of a black hole for spending large amounts of time. Nothing else is mine, everything is borrowed and shared with another mature couple (though really, they are fantastic!). I'm so excited to have my own place, even if it's a tiny apartment that we can be responsible for, where I can do my own thing, where I can speak to my husband without wondering if someone is overhearing our conversation, where I can make a home. Our home. Now I understand how hard it would be move back in with parents.
New Jersey doesn't have a sky!
I know this is silly, but the trees are seriously so tall and thick and EVERYWHERE that when we drive somewhere and pass a random field or shopping mall I drink in the sky like a stranded person in a desert. I'm always trying to find a view or find the last rays of sun, even in Utah, and it's quite impossible here.
I feel like most of the experiences I've had in life were designed for me to have greater empathy for people. And I can't quite seem to learn my lesson from just one formative experience. :)
Formative: having a profound and lasting influence on a person's life.
I was never very sympathetic to the girls at camp that had emotional break downs because they were "home sick" because I was always just fine. I love my family, but I was having way too much fun to even think about missing them. Same goes for moving away to college and even getting married. I suppose I've always been independent and ready to do my own thing. But here I am, we have a month left in the land of the east and I am WAY too excited to come home. I miss everything about home. Mostly people. It's pretty much the vacation that actually lasted longer than you wanted it to.
Whenever I hate how I'm feeling about life I try to itemize all the possible reasons for the way I'm feeling. Here is what I came up with: Remember, this is not intended to be a venting or complaining session, just listing all the things I have increased gratitude for and all the people to which I can be more empathetic. :)
Borrowed home.
We have a bedroom, a bathroom and a den tucked away in the corner of the house. We would use the den more, but there is no cell service or WiFi access so it's a bit of a black hole for spending large amounts of time. Nothing else is mine, everything is borrowed and shared with another mature couple (though really, they are fantastic!). I'm so excited to have my own place, even if it's a tiny apartment that we can be responsible for, where I can do my own thing, where I can speak to my husband without wondering if someone is overhearing our conversation, where I can make a home. Our home. Now I understand how hard it would be move back in with parents.
New Jersey doesn't have a sky!
I know this is silly, but the trees are seriously so tall and thick and EVERYWHERE that when we drive somewhere and pass a random field or shopping mall I drink in the sky like a stranded person in a desert. I'm always trying to find a view or find the last rays of sun, even in Utah, and it's quite impossible here.
I have no friends.
I know, go have a pity party Lauresa. I know that we probably will move far away from family and friends again and I just need to put myself out there and make friends, BUT here's the thing. I can name a couple of people that fell into my lap and we became friends basically overnight. Other than that, making friends is a process involving spending time and not leaving after 2 1/2 months. Now that I've left the awesome world of college and roommates, friend making got much harder. I never had a problem making friends in college! But leaving school and being married (though of course, I do have my best friend with me here- but he is a boy, and girlfriends are still necessary) kind of narrows my options for meeting people and choosing friends. Making friends with married people is tricky because most married people are older and have children and they are busy! No one is just hanging out at the apartment pool like it used to be, boo.
Aaron and I have tried brainstorming how to make friends in the future, and he's mentioned, well once you have babies, you can just go out in public and people will talk to you (or want to see your babies) and you can make friends! Very true, but for now my body is hiding the cuties from world view. Side note: Seriously, think of all the things you can do with kids that aren't very socially acceptable without them. Laughing your head off, playing on the jungle gym, spending hours hunting for bugs or playing in the leaves, dancing, singing loudly, getting out of all sorts of obligations and meetings, dang. Some of those things are semi-acceptable when surrounded by friends, but alas, I don't have those either.
Never alone.
Related to not having my own space. Fun fact about me. I do enjoy being alone, but I really don't like being alone surrounded by people. When I am truly alone, I can sing to myself as loudly and as silly as I want. I can talk on the phone with a friend without feeling overheard (I do have friends, far away, and I'm so glad I have them). I can make noise! I can think out loud. I can make surprises for people for when I am no longer alone. Here, I'm usually not alone. I have to go to my room to be alone, and after sleeping and taking naps there, why would I want to go there!?! Also, my stupid phone doesn't work outside of a certain area in this house, and then it doesn't work outside until I walk about a mile away. My favorite way to talk to my far away friends is while walking outside.
I know, go have a pity party Lauresa. I know that we probably will move far away from family and friends again and I just need to put myself out there and make friends, BUT here's the thing. I can name a couple of people that fell into my lap and we became friends basically overnight. Other than that, making friends is a process involving spending time and not leaving after 2 1/2 months. Now that I've left the awesome world of college and roommates, friend making got much harder. I never had a problem making friends in college! But leaving school and being married (though of course, I do have my best friend with me here- but he is a boy, and girlfriends are still necessary) kind of narrows my options for meeting people and choosing friends. Making friends with married people is tricky because most married people are older and have children and they are busy! No one is just hanging out at the apartment pool like it used to be, boo.
Aaron and I have tried brainstorming how to make friends in the future, and he's mentioned, well once you have babies, you can just go out in public and people will talk to you (or want to see your babies) and you can make friends! Very true, but for now my body is hiding the cuties from world view. Side note: Seriously, think of all the things you can do with kids that aren't very socially acceptable without them. Laughing your head off, playing on the jungle gym, spending hours hunting for bugs or playing in the leaves, dancing, singing loudly, getting out of all sorts of obligations and meetings, dang. Some of those things are semi-acceptable when surrounded by friends, but alas, I don't have those either.
Never alone.
Related to not having my own space. Fun fact about me. I do enjoy being alone, but I really don't like being alone surrounded by people. When I am truly alone, I can sing to myself as loudly and as silly as I want. I can talk on the phone with a friend without feeling overheard (I do have friends, far away, and I'm so glad I have them). I can make noise! I can think out loud. I can make surprises for people for when I am no longer alone. Here, I'm usually not alone. I have to go to my room to be alone, and after sleeping and taking naps there, why would I want to go there!?! Also, my stupid phone doesn't work outside of a certain area in this house, and then it doesn't work outside until I walk about a mile away. My favorite way to talk to my far away friends is while walking outside.
I'm on vacation.
Okay, I AM very grateful for things I have right now. Let me list them to offset this gloom (and so I'm not TOO excited to come home).
Okay, I AM very grateful for things I have right now. Let me list them to offset this gloom (and so I'm not TOO excited to come home).
- I rarely have to cook dinner. This was especially helpful when I was struggling with "morning" sickness because if I did cook, I usually wasn't able to eat the dish I prepared, or I had to throw up first. I will be excited to have my own kitchen again, but I can always appreciate meal service. :)
- This house is beautiful. It will be years down the road by the time we have something like this (if ever haha).
- I have a piano. And more music than what I own, so I've been working on some new pieces.
- Lots of time on my hands. This is a plus/minus, depending on the day/moment. Boredom sets in occasionally, but more time means that I get to exercise every single day, actually practice the piano, go out with the missionaries, sleep as much as I need to, read books, and make plans for the babies. I also get to be a little more reflective and get to know myself better.
- East coast fun. Though where we are, there isn't much, we have done some pretty cool things! NYC, the shore, road trip across the country, and other various explorations. We are on a vacation in so many ways.
- I get to blog! Though I seriously change my mind about this whole blogging thing daily, sometimes hourly, truth be told, I really enjoy writing.
- Saving Benjamins. Cheap rent and full-time intern work is going to help a lot once school starts again!
- Empathy. Sometimes I get annoyed with people saying I miss you. Well, guess what, I MISS YOU!
Unrelated note: Recently I'm having urges to get my craft on. Partly because my clothes aren't fitting and I'm going to have girls to dress in cute things, and partly because I'm bored. Paula and I went to the fabric store with the intention of buying some fabric to make a stretchy skirt. I talked to my mom and she said she used this tutorial to help women in her church ward sew a maxi skirt. This really does look insanely easy, and I have access to a sewing machine here. It's just that at Jo Ann's, the cute fabric costs as much as buying a maxi skirt at Kohl's! I've heard that with fabric, it's all a matter of finding the deals. Any tips?? Internet sites? Most Walmart's out here don't have a fabric section (East coast not so crafty?) I also recently relearned how to crochet (thanks mom), and I'm thinking maybe I could make something for my girls, any ideas there? I'll post my progress if I make any.